Day #9 - Phillip

A friend of mine stopped by today and told me that I look like a cyborg with wires sticking out from underneath my clothes. I do feel like that sometimes, as I'm constantly plugged into my machine, except to take care of personal business when the cords have to come with me. Luckily, Phillip, which is the name that I have lovingly given my buddy here, is on wheels and has a fairly long cord, so I'm able to travel to almost every corner of the room while remaining strapped in. When people come to visit, Phillip is the source of entertainment for most everyone. I have to admit it's pretty addicting to watch those little numbers showing how fast our babies' hearts are beating.

However fascinating it might be, I personally think it's a little low-tech in certain regards. I mean really, we have to chase the babies around with these little paddles all day long. While I don't have personal experience, I'm not sure how much different this machine is from the one that my mother was strapped to as she was laboring with me. My idea is to wear a little video ultrasound so we can keep an eye on the babies all the time. Now that would be some real entertainment!

Day #8 - We Survived Week One

Well, we/I survived the first week in the hospital. People keep asking me how I'm feeling and how I'm holding up, and I won't lie, this isn't easy. I realize that I'm the one who actually has to sit here strapped to the machine, but I think it's really Will who is doing most of the surviving here. After all, he's the one who has to run back and forth from school to home to hospital to home, etc. I cannot imagine how difficult this is on him. All I have to do is sit here and think, listen to babies, play games, unsuccessfully attempt to solve crossword puzzles, and so on.

This isn't a walk in the park, mind you, and I have my moments of self-pity. Luckily these are usually short and revolve around the shower. My daily shower is a time that I both look forward to and dread. I get it all built up and think of how wonderful it will be to get off the monitors, scratch my tummy, and feel clean and normal for a little while without goo all over my abdomen. But then the sense of dread kicks in. It's that moment when you know what you've been so looking forward to will not be anything like what you wish: thus, I bring you the lukewarm shower. I know that this isn't something to really complain about, but it is a source of irritation every single day. I get so excited and crave the long, really hot shower that completely steams up the bathroom and I'm left with a quick in-and-out before I get so frustrated that I throw my shampoo.

So lukewarm shower aside, I think my husband is the real hero during this hospital stay. Not only does he cater to every whim of a pregnant woman (no easy task, as I'm sure every dad will assure you, especially when said pregnant woman is away from home), he is managing the house, taking care of the dog, doing schoolwork, traveling to and from the hospital, and keeping up with his plethora of daily phone calls. Even with all of that, Will still finds time and energy to cook dinner for the two of us each night, quickly pack it all up, and scoot over to the hospital while it's still warm. So, I'd say that he's the one who's really surviving the hospital stay.

Day #7 - 30 Minutes of Freedom

I don't think I ever really take nice weather for granted living here in Wisconsin, but especially not after a week of being inside my hospital room. Spring is probably my favorite season and I'm definitely missing it this year. It's a time when you're pretty sure that no more snow will be hitting (although this is Wisconsin, so it's really too early to tell) and the barren ground actually shows some signs of life. I think it's partly my favorite season because it signals the end of winter, which, to put it lightly, I do not care for.

The highlight of my day each day is the 30 minutes that I get to have off of the monitors. Each evening, Will and I take a walk so that I can get out of the room and get some exercise which this poor body desperately needs. Today was extra special because Will arrived in the early afternoon, which meant that I got my walk outside today. It amazes me because just last week, we still had several inches of snow on the ground, but today, it is warm and sunny and the grass is beginning to turn green instead of the lovely shade of "winter brown." I was so incredibly grateful for the clear skies and warm breeze that surrounded me and I remind myself not to forget this feeling.

Day #6- Opening Day!

Hmmm... with me writing the blog for the past two days, guess what's back- gratuitous baseball references :). For several months, a good buddy of mine and I have had tickets for Brewers Opening Day. I requested to take one of my personal days from work (something I rarely do) in order to go and enjoy the pageantry that is Opening Day at Miller Park. I was somewhat apprehensive of going after yesterday's developments concerning the weight of the babies, but Jeni actually called my buddy Steve and insisted that I go to the game. While I wanted to stick around with Jeni and talk with a doctor friend of ours who was coming to visit, I took her advice and went to the game.

In hindsight I am so glad that I did. Watching the Brewers for a few hours made me think back to a more worry free time and did take my mind off of the stress of everything, at least for a little while. The Brewers won handedly today, 13-4. The game itself was rather worry-free. The Crew jumped out to an early lead, and there was never really any real concern of the Brewers surrendering that lead to the Giants. The more we talk to doctors, including our doctor friend, we continually hear that we should not be overly concerned about the weights. Metaphorically, perhaps we have a sizable lead with these babies all ready. The thing I continue to cherish from this whole experience is how every day is a gift. Every day gets us one day better than the day before, and ultimately one day closer to bringing our babies home.

Day #5- You Can't Win 'Em All

After a joyful day yesterday, Jeni was excited about her ultrasound appointment this morning. I eagerly awaited her to skype me with the results at school. When she and I connected, I received news that the larger of our two babies had gained a significant amount of weight, while the other baby has begun to lag. One baby is 2 pounds 1 ounce, and the other is 1 point 11 ounces, about 20% less than his/her brother/sister. When I was first given this news, I just about lost it.

"Come on," I thought to myself, "Can't we catch a break here?"

After further reflection, a couple of phone calls, debriefing with some friends, and some reassuring news from our primary doctor, I have come to peace with the fact that this news, while not what we hoped for, is not a major league cause for alarm. Granted, it took me the better part of the day to wrap my head around this fact.

Just as the Brewers dropped their game this afternoon to the Cubs with a disappointing 6-3 loss, today's ultrasound news certainly was not what we were hoping for. However, just as I had delusions of grandure of the Brewers winning all of their games, when reality sinks in, you realize that a baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint, and likewise, making it through this pregnancy is also a long process, filled with ups and downs- little losses, little gains, with nothing taken for granted. It is unrealistic for me not to think that there will be little issues along the way. As the two doctors we talked to stated, the gestational development is most important right now, and, overall, it's not a time to ring the alarms quite yet. We have another ultra sound in two weeks and the situation will be monitored from there. I am praying for the little one to keep growing- she/he was sure kicking up a storm tonight. If nothing else, I take a lot of comfort knowing that he/she is scrappy. Who knows, sometimes the teams that are scrappy are the ones that end up winning the most games down the road.

photo taken by Jamie Engber on Flickr

Day #4 - Rejoicing

I am finally beginning to really "get it." I've known in my head all along that we've got two babies on the way, but I think it's actually starting to sink in now. Having twins is such an incredible blessing and I have no idea how we got to have this amazing opportunity. I know all kinds of people who hope and pray for twins. I would have never even thought to hope or pray for twins, especially identical twins. Neither of us ever considered that we might have the chance to parent twins before that first ultrasound. All of a sudden, today, I was completely blown away by this idea and I give great thanks for our twins-to-be. It's scary thinking about actually having these two at home but I cannot imagine a greater thrill either.

Since finding out that we were pregnant in November, this is the first time that I've felt like I'm actually able to rejoice in what is to come. For the entire first trimester I worried about miscarriage, then we had about 4 weeks of pure joy, imagining the future for these babies. At about 18 weeks, our diagnosis came, and the worry that accompanied it was no match for those first trimester jitters. In the last few weeks, as this inpatient time came closer, Will and I each let ourselves get more and more hopeful. But not until today was I really able to say with confidence that these babies are coming home. As I lay here all day listening to the beautiful sound of our babies' heartbeats I am filled with joy. A huge weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders and I'm no longer carrying the 700-pound gorilla of 50/50 odds of these babies making it. It's going to be a long road, but I'm finally letting myself rejoice without prefacing everything with "if everything goes okay." I'm ordering the nursery furniture tomorrow, complete with two cribs.

(Two cribs from flikr, taken by tigermatt)

Day #3 - Chase the Babies

(picture taken by nascity at Flickr.com)

Personally, I think sleep is a wonderful thing. I enjoy it very much: a cat nap on the couch, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, I don't mind even dosing off during a movie. Never have I been more grateful for sleep than I was last night. After a first night where all that came were a restless 2.5 hours of sleep, interrupted by constant clock watching and my wondering how it could possibly ONLY be 2:30 (or 3:00, 4:30, etc.) and being incredibly pleased to hear the alarm for Will to get up at 5:30. Last night, I gave in and took some sleep medication and managed to pull off a solid 6.5 hours of sleep. The babies must have been pleased with me, because they were kind enough to stay in their spots for the better part of the evening. I woke up feeling wonderfully refreshed and grateful for the gift of sleep.

The entire morning was a not-so-fun (for the nurses) game of chase the babies. For a good hour and a half, a team of nurses scooted around Jeni's belly, with the monitor full of goo, trying to get a couple of good heartbeats on the machine. Not once, but three times, did the nurses have to swap places after frustration took over. Finally, I was allowed up for a lukewarm shower after the nurses gave up trying to find the babies. Luckily, all afternoon, the little ones were much more cooperative and managed to stay put for about four hours, making Jeni and twins star patients. But now, we're back to our little game. I just wonder what these children will have in store for us on the other side...