A Sigh of Relief

Today was a long day. Actually, this morning was a long day. We arrived at the hospital at 7:40 to visit with Grace before her surgery was to take place. About 10 minutes later, the OR nurses began wheeling in a vast amount of equipment, carts, and curtains to block off her "room" to prepare it for surgery. The time moving the stuff in and out and preparing for the surgery more than doubled the actual amount of time that the surgery actually took.

After saying goodbye and telling our little one how much we loved her, two nervous parents went to sit in the waiting room. The anesthesiologist came in first to explain how our two pound daughter would be on morphine and all sorts of other drugs to take care of pain, keep her comfortable, and keep her from moving her tiny little body, including her tiny little ductus and nerves around during the surgery. She left and the surgeon arrived next, to explain to us (again) what the PDA is, why it needs to be closed, and what the procedure would entail. Now, I have to give St. Joe's some credit here. They make absolute certain that we are well informed about what is going to happen with this surgery. In the past three weeks, not including any research we did before or during this whole timespan, we must have had upwards of 20 people explaining the PDA and the surgery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about being educated. I simply feel that now I could teach just about anyone about a PDA.

Will and I occupied ourselves during Grace's surgery today attempting to make the laptop connect to the internet (it did not oblige) and writing thank-you notes. Before we knew it, the surgeon returned announcing the glorious words, "Everything went well and Grace is doing just fine." Whew, there's that big weight lifted off our chests immediately.

According to Grace's nurse tonight, she is doing excellently. Finally, we have heard something other than, "Most babies do well with this surgery." While this may be useful information when talking about most babies, it really tells you nothing about how your own child will handle it. So, at last, we have an answer for Grace.

Preparing for Grace's PDA Surgery

Tomorrow morning Grace will undergo PDA surgery to close her ductus. As I try to process this, I wrestle with conflicting emotions. The rationale-thinking teacher side of me reasons that this is fairly common surgery for premature babies. Everything Jeni and I have read indicates that this surgery has a high success rate and that children tolerate it well. Our doctor does not seem overly concerned about it. The nurses at St. Joe's don't seem terribly worried either. I've been told by some that this surgery has been likened to a tonsillectomy. Many people I know have undergone a wide array of surgeries and have been just fine. Jeni and I have had surgeries before and we're fine. Ben Sheets and Yovanni Gallardo, along with many members of my beloved Milwaukee Brewers have had surgeries, and return to playing professional baseball in a a matter of weeks. Surgery is just a part of the medical repertoire and is used to make people well.

Rational Will processes this information, looks at Grace's symptoms, notices that Grace is clearly uncomfortable on the breathing tube and thinks, "Thank God we are living in an age where we can do things to help these kids." This surgery could be the best thing to happen to Grace and a step in the right direction in aiding in her respiratory system's development and, ultimately, getting her home.

Surgery deals with anesthesia. Surgery deals with scalpels and cutting. Surgery leaves scars. Surgery is yuck! Over the past 19 days, I've realized that being a parent is not always rationale. Being a parent means constant worry, and for me, this worry centers around two very little people, the combined weight of which is less than 5 pounds, meaning that their combined weight is 1/12th the weight of Maggie our black lab. While I'm no math teacher, we can infer that these girls are teeny tiny!

Grace herself is a mere 2 pounds, 2 ounces. Grace is less than 3 weeks old. I have not held Grace yet. Grace looks fragile. Grace IS fragile. Grace is too small and too young to need surgery. There are possible complications with the surgery. And then the "what ifs" come, and we won't even go there.

So, tomorrow morning, I will go to St. Joe's with Jeni. We will sign the papers that need to be signed. We will visit with Grace. We will say a prayer. We will try to think rationally. We are parents- and admittedly, have challenges keeping sheerly to the logical/rationale side of things, so, chances are, we will worry.

As with anything in life, being in balance is important, and while it is hard to do so, striking a balance between the logical outcomes based on medical statistics and the emotional worry-based fears of being new parents will need to meet in the middle with, chances are, and Lord willing, a worrisome day for Mom and Dad which will result in a step in the right direction for Grace.

Getting Used to Life in the NICU

Nothing can really prepare you for having a baby in the NICU (although the tour before hand was helpful in seeing the size of the tiny babies). As Hope and Grace entered their third week of life this past Friday Mom and Dad are getting increasingly used to the realities of the up-and-down ride that is life in the NICU each day. When visiting the girls there are a host of beeps constantly going off, a revolving line-up of doctors, nurses, lab techs, parents and visitors in and out of the rooms, pushing buttons, writing on charts, and looking intently into the isolettes. Babies too come and go- getting transferred to different rooms as they get bigger and stronger. We have become accustomed to the NICU lingo, and the countless acronyms that get thrown around each day- blood gasses, green residuals, ET tubes, de-sats, PDAs, "tolerating cares," and my personal favorite term, "stooling" have become new vocabulary words added to our ever-growing repertoire of neo-natology knowledge that grows a little bit more with each trip to visit the girls and each conversation with our doctors and nurses. Each visit begins with us picking up the beige phone and asking for admittance. Each visit ends with Jeni and I holding hands walking back to the parking structure, thanking God that we have each other and asking for His grace in helping get our girls home safe.

In the NICU the status of things change quickly, so much so, that updating this blog would be a near full-time job if we were to post on every new development that takes place throughout the day. As we get ready for bed on Sunday evening, Grace has been on and off of feedings twice and has gone on more assisted breathing, but, despite of all this, gained two ounces (she's now 2 pounds 2 oz.), gotten off of her "billi blanket" (which made her look like a glow worm... too bad we didn't get a picture of that) and was the most snuggly person in the world Saturday when Jeni kangarooed her for the second time. The PDA continues to linger for Grace, and, after tomorrow's echocardiogram it looks like Grace may indeed need the surgery. In many ways, Jeni and I have come to peace with that decision and just want things to move forward for her.

Hope, on the other hand, has been the tortoise in this race- slow and steady. She is still on the ET tube, has been on and off of feedings once, has gained five ounces (she's up to 2 pounds 10 oz. now) and loves to be held by her Daddy. Kangarooing with her for the second time on Saturday was the highlight of my week and a truly remarkable experience. I hope Jeni and I never take the gift of being able to hold our daughters for granted, as it is such a special experience for us both.

This week, no doubt, will bring us new vocabulary words and hopefully new progress for the girls. As Jeni put it optimistically, if the girls have until July 7th to go, we are about 10 weeks or so away. While that may seem like an eternity for us, the good news is, at least we're 2 weeks closer to them coming home than we were when this stage of the adventure began just over 2 weeks ago.

Holding Our Girls for the First Time

There are some things in life that you can't describe in words... holding our daughters for the first time and doing "kangaroo care" with them is one of them.

Jeni holds baby Grace for the first time since her birth. 4/23/08

Will holds baby Hope for the first time. 4/23/08

Embarrassing moments and Surgery news (or lack there of)

As a teacher, it drives me a little bit crazy when kids leave stuff behind in the classroom. A sweatshirt here, a shoe there (though I never quite understand when there's only one shoe), books, folders, etc. I must pick up at least 10-15 pencils off the floor on any given day. I feel like I'm forever holding stuff up in the air waiting for the owner to claim it. In reality, it's a bit hypocritical, as I tend to leave a trail behind me. As my wonderful husband can attest, I have a variety of things strewn about the house, often prompting a statement to the effect of, "Are we now keeping the ____________ (shoes, coffee mugs, magazines) in/on the _________________ (kitchen table, desk, etc.)?" Ok, well I don't actually leave my shoes on the kitchen table, but you get the idea. Needless to say, neither he nor I were surprised when a nurse from the antepartum unit brought over a bag of my stuff. Upon inspection, I was horrified to find a bag full of my "unmentionables" that she had packed up for me after my departure from the hospital last week. Swift move, Jeni.

When I was a kid, I always believed that there was a simple cure for all medical issues. You have a headache, take a Tylenol; a stomachache, some Pepto will cure it. As an adult, you begin to realize that there are very few cut and dry issues when dealing with a person's health and well-being. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I had to cope with the unknown factors. I had to constantly explain to people that if I could actually get to the point of being inpatient in the hospital, then I might be there for anywhere from one day to eight weeks. It never really made sense to people, I believe, and how could it really? Between one day and eight weeks? That's a pretty wide span of time. This was a huge gray area for Will and I to work with. Now that our girls are here, the gray areas don't even begin to stop. The echocardiogram from yesterday showed that Hope no longer had an open ductus, but all her symptoms are still there. Apparently the thing can open and close at will and was closed at the time of the echo. But, for now at least, she's saved from the surgery. The doctors and nurses will continue to watch and see what happens with it. Whatever the final outcome may be, I'm very pleased that my baby girl does not need the surgery at this point!

Luckily a bag of underwear was not my only gift at the hospital tonight. Hope is now also off the bili lights just like her sister. Both girls are doing well and no surgery is needed right away. The big event for today is that they began their feedings. Since they are nowhere near being ready for suckling, a tube is stuck down into their tummies and the milk gets shot in from a syringe. These feedings lasted approximately eight seconds, but Mom and Dad were there, camera and all, making a huge deal of the whole thing.

Finally, the most exciting news for the day is that we'll be able to kangaroo with the girls hopefully beginning tomorrow if they're stable. Kangarooing is basically a marathon session of holding an infant skin on skin, lasting anywhere from one to three hours. I cannot believe how excited I am to hold my baby girls again after not being able to except for a few minutes after birth. For Dad, this will be his first time.
It's such an easy thing to take for granted that after your child's birth you will be able to hold them whenever you/they want. For us, it's an incredible blessing.

Tummy Time

Just when we thought our daughters couldn't look any cuter, the nurses rolled them both over onto their tummies today. Hope seemed incredibly content to be on her tummy and have her arms and legs all bundled up. The nurses seemed pleased, too, as she wasn't nearly as squirmy as usual. During our evening visit tonight, Grace graduated from being under the bili lights and was swaddled and looking adorable. Ahh... such small things bring us great joy.

Today also brought good news from the doctor. Both girls gained about 2 ounces, which is two servings of Baked Lays, since birth and are looking good. The doctor is pleased with their progress and if he's pleased, we're pleased. While it still looks like Hope will need a PDA ligation (Grace continues to be a maybe), Will and I have finally come to grips with that fact. This surgery has been likened to an appendectomy and having a tooth pulled, so I suppose it's time to try to relax about it. However, we've learned our first parenting lesson: Things that sound very minor for other people's children are huge when involving your own child(ren).

One week old

Hope and Grace rang in their first week of life in a fairly uneventful fashion (and in many ways this is a good thing). The doctor has opted to give them one more round of medicine to try to get their PDAs to close. So far the fourth dose did not help Hope close her ductus, and Grace is a day behind Hope in these treatments, so we'll wait to see if Grace's fourth dose helps her today. Other than that, the girls now have IV lines in their hands which, when bandaged, makes them look like they're wearing lineman arm pads from my high school football days. Barb, one of the nurses whom we've gotten to know, turned down Grace's phototherapy lights while we were visiting last evening and shaded her isolette so she opened her eyes for us. We hadn't seen her without her phototherapy mask for a few days and it was reassuring to see her beautiful eyes underneath all of her protective gear. The nurses continue to describe both girls as feisty and comment about how we will have our hands full with them when they get older. We only hope and pray that that is the case.

One week in the NICU down means one week closer to the girls coming home with their Mom and Dad.

A Long Week

What an eventful past week this has been for our little family! Can you imagine? We doubled in size exactly one week ago tomorrow morning at 9:37 a.m. to be exact.

If you think life has been adventurous for Jeni and I, and to a lesser extent for Maggie who has bounced from our house to my parents, back to our house again several times, think about Hope and Grace. They have REALLY had an eventful week.

As our daughters are about to enter their second week of life, the possibility of the PDA surgery becomes more real. While it is super scary for Mom and Dad to think about Hope (and most likely Grace too) possibly having to go through this, it seems like getting that ductus closed for both girls will be a big step in the right direction in terms of aiding their respiratory development. I've been told by folks in the medical community that there is a quick change in respiratory functioning after it gets closed. The girls are strong and feisty and they are fighters. They, like the rest of us, have to just take everything one day (and perhaps even one hour or one minute) at a time.

Our Feisty Daughters

The good news for today is that Grace's head ultrasound, too, looks good. As suspected, like her sister, Grace has a PDA. She had her first dose of medication today and we're waiting anxiously to see how things go. Unfortunately, like most medical conditions, it doesn't look like we will know right away if the girls' PDAs are going to close or not. That's how things seem to be in the NICU, lots of "wait and see." As such, we're waiting to see how Hope responds to the medication, although there has been no change at this point. After tomorrow, she'll get another echocardiogram to determine if/how the medication is working.

After our doctor examined Grace today and came over to give us the report, he mentioned, "her blood pressures have looked good, she's breathing room air, she's a pistol, I tweaked her sugars and lipids..." It cracked me up that right in there, with all of her medical stuff, "she's a pistol." Well, we tend to agree with this statement. Grace squirms and stretches and does her little exercises all day long. While Grace seemed to be our feisty child, calm little Hope has joined her in the last couple of days. She's "a wild child" according to the nurses. I hope that this means that our two girls are little fighters! If they're like their mom and dad, I have a feeling that they will be. Both girls have taken pacifiers which helps to mellow them out a bit, but we know that in spirit, they are both just as feisty as ever.

Today, I got to join my hubby in the ranks of diaper changes. There are very few parents out there that get excited about "getting" to change diapers, but Will and I are exceptions to this rule. When you are barely allowed to handle your child (for very good reasons, mind you), changing diapers is a privilege. Not only did I get to change Hope, but also sponge out her mouth with some sort of tasty mint solution, which was adorable watching her lick her lips contentedly, and take her temperature (underarm, thankfully).

Pampers preemie diapers worn by Hope and Grace
(photo from http://www.flikr.com)

Saying Goodbye To Our In-Patient Stay...

Yesterday morning, Jeni was officially discharged from the antepartum unit. Before we both start developing post-antepartum depression, we'd like to leave you with this list.

The Top Ten Things The Pipers Will Miss (Or Not Miss So Much) About the St. Joe's Antepartum Unit:
...Part annoying, part quirky, part comical, part gut-wrenching, the hospital stay was above all a touching experience for us both. We hope you enjoy both the roast and toast to the hospital stay below. In some cases we will not really miss the stay (as I'm sure you'll be able to guess), but in other cases, particularly those involving the caring people at St. Joe's, we already miss our time there.

The Top Ten Things The Pipers Will Miss (Or Not Miss So Much) About the St. Joe's Antepartum Unit:

10. The lack of FSN Wisconsin
As a die-hard Brewer fan, this was a definite bummer. The hospital had the Chapel and Relaxation Channel, (which is not featured on our Time Warner Cable package at home), but no FSN to watch the Brew Crew.

9. The Pull-Out Chair.
For the past two weeks I have become well acquainted with the pull-out chair. While life could be much worse, my bed felt great last night. Thank God for the Themarest camping mattress which I slept on many a night in the hospital.

8. The Styrofoam Cups.
This made me a little sad that there was quite so much waste in the hospital, especially involving the use of styrofoam cups. Jeni and I both began brining our own water containers after the first day as the thought of throwing that much stuff away really didn't set well with us.

7. People walking into the room without knocking whenever they so chose.
This ranged from food service people, (who walked in with a tray of bagels yesterday while Jeni was "making food for the babies"), to doctors, nurses, the resident doctor, nursing students, the chapelin, social worker and other hospital staff. At least most of the visitors who came to see Jeni did the polite thing and knocked first.

6. The Shower
As you learned from an earlier post, the shower was certainly a hit-or-miss experience, being very hot or very cold. Unfortunately it only got fixed right before Jeni gave birth.

5. The Breakfast Experience
Those of you who have experienced the frustration of having your fast-food order prepared improperly need only to think about that experience daily and you have a brief glimpse of dining here at St. Joe's. Everything from missing coffee cups and utensils to missing items and brown bananas were part of this thrilling dining adventure. In reality, I know that there are far more important things to think about in a hospital than food service, but some of the goof ups just got rather comical. If nothing else, the dining experience was always worth a good laugh, and made our not-so-brown banana taste all the yummier today.

4. "Philip" the Baby Monitor
In a weird way, since Hope and Grace's birth it was quiet in Jeni's room- almost too quiet. I missed hearing Philip's gentle beeps and watching him spit out the babies' heart rates. We both owe a lot to ol' Philip. If it wasn't for his watchful monitoring, who knows? Despite the blue goo and constant game of chase the babies (which we now understand as they are both super squirmy out of the womb), we owe a great debt to the monitor which made Jeni look like a cyborg.

3. The doctors
We are continually impressed with the wonderful team we have supporting our baby girls. Being in the hospital allowed us to hear first hand from our doctors just about daily, and in some cases multiple times a day. This was a real blessing for some worrisome new parents. The compassion that Jeni's doctor showed me before she delivered the babies will never be forgotten (I'll get more into this when I post the birth story later on).

2. The Nurses
While the doctors do a great job, our hats are off to the wonderful nursing staff in the antepartum unit. They made me feel at home and were fun to talk Brewers with, but more importantly treated Jeni with such compassion and care. Monitoring babies 24 hours a day is a daunting task and thanks to such kind folks as Patty, Nancy, Lynn, Sam and Yuilia, among others, we were able to avoid what could have been a disastrous situation.

1. Our Girls
Leaving our girls in the NICU yesterday made us both a bit more than a little misty-eyed. When one thinks about starting a family, the image of dad taking mom and the baby/babies home may often come to mind. Yesterday, while I brought home my best friend and person who I could not fathom going through this experience without, we did not travel back to Fox Point with our little darlings. Thank God we live fairly close and will be able to visit our babies daily. At 8:30 last evening, we had the urge to go and wish them goodnight and did exactly that, reading them Jeni's favorite children's book, Goodnight Moon. We know that we will have a long stay in the NICU, but that this will make Hope and Grace's homecoming all the more sweet.

Hope and Grace Day #5- PDAs and Dad's First Diaper Change

We learned today from our doctor that Hope indeed has the PDA. She will be treated with medicine to try to get that ductus to close. The doctor mentioned that it was a rather large open ductus, so hopefully a bout with the medicine will help her. She also has low blood count, and will require a transfusion this afternoon. These were expected challenges with Hope and we hope that these measures will help her out in the long run.

In an unexpected turn of events, Grace, too is now suspected of having a PDA. An echocardiogram has been ordered for her along with a head ultrasound. The doctor reassured us that these are considered "normal" preemie challenges, and Hope and Grace are behaving developmentally appropriate for their gestational age. All this being said, Dad in particular here is still very worried (Mom is too).

On the bright side, Jeni is now at home. Watching Maggie our dog greet Jeni was a highlight of the day. It was great to see our pooch reunited with her BFF. I don't think her little nub of a tail has stopped wagging since Jeni came in the door. Also on the bright side, I got to change Grace's diaper today. It was my first diaper change ever, and low and behold, the clean diaper I was trying to put on Grace was missing one of the tabs! I had to start over with a new one, but it turned out A-ok. It was just "#1" in the diaper. so I will have to look forward to a more eventful experience in this department the next time around.

Hope and Grace Day #4- A Mellow Monday

Both girls seemed to do well today. Gracie went back on the ET tube, but was able to breath room air. While at first I thought of this as a setback, after talking with the doctor and others, it seems more like giving Gracie a break from the CPAP, which was beginning to irritate her little throat.

Hope had a pretty good day overall too. Like her sister, she too was breathing room air from the ventilator. We did not get the results of Hope's echocardiogram today, but did hear from our doctor that the head ultrasound came up with no evidence of a brain bleed. Whew! That really made my day. (BTW, Grace gets her head ultrasound on Friday). Let's hope that whatever is the case with Hope's ductus that the doctors can do what they need to to help fix it so she can progress. On a side note, Hope is looking a little pale and is most likely going to need a blood transfusion, although we were told is this fairly typical of preemies this age.

So far, everything seems to be developmentally appropriate. Our night nurses mentioned that we might be able to start helping with their care- changing diapers and taking their temperature. As strange as this might seem, I cannot wait to change diapers and start caring more for our girls. The nurses and doctors have been very optimistic about how stable the girls have been in their first few days.

Hope and Grace Day #3

With Jeni and I both being school teachers, we are often asked by parents of students who are earning less than an A average in our respective classes, "What can my son/daughter do to pull up his/her grade?" For me, this question always was sensible and would, in most cases, justify an easy answer. If a student has trouble with vocab- study it a little bit for several days out; make flash cards. If essay writing is a problem, sample responses can be the solution, etc.

Today, day #3 of being a parent, I found myself already asking that question, but to a nurse rather than a teacher. Gracie is off and running. We've been told she is ahead of the curve right now for children her age. She is off the ventilator and is even sucking on a pacifier at times. As we left the NICU tonight, the nurses were talking about the possibility of her feeding sometime in the next few days. You go Grace! If one were to give Gracie a grade for day #3, you'd have to go with an A... she exceeded expectations.

Now Hope, on the other hand, had a challenging day. When the doctor tried to extubate her (take out the ventilator), she became anxious and distressed, not responding well to the CPAP (nose breathing thingy) and was put back on the ventilator almost immediately. From there Hope regressed, requiring more oxygen and some anti anxiety medicine to settle her down to boot. Poor Hope. Going on what I know, I asked the nurse, "What can Hope do to bring up her grade?" To which the nurse smiled at me, and answered, "Nothing, she is behaving on level with other 27 week+ preemies... it is Gracie who right now is performing ahead of the curve, not Hope performing behind." This, I guess made me feel a little reassured, and also made me realize that sometimes kids can't all be A students all of the time... sometimes they just have to grow into it. For day #3, Hope would earn a B or a B-... not shabby in the least.

Tomorrow will be a trying day for little Hope. Her PDA is still a problem, so the doctors are going to give her an echocardiogram (heart test to determine if ductus is open) and a head ultrasound to look for brain bleeding. The head ultrasound is what scares me above anything else- as heavy brain bleeding could lead to a host of serious developmental problems. Let's pray tonight that Hope's echocardiogram and head ultrasound go well and that she will get her little ductus fixed and be able to get back on track to gaining her breathing independence.

Hope and Grace's First Night and Day

I am in the process of collecting my thoughts about how I want to phrase the most eventful day in my 30 year life thus far, so, the birth of Hope and Grace story is coming- it just might take a while for Dad here to process. I also am working on getting photos- so if you check back I should hopefully have both of those going next week.

Now for the past 24 hours- talk about a whirlwind of emotions! This picture of the tornado and the rainbow to the right is the best way to summarize my thoughts- something very scary and something very beautiful, but most of all, something very awesome, all at the same time.

First off I cannot believe that two little beings so precious and beautiful are here, just down the hall. Jeni is recovering well. Jeni got up on her own this morning and has been moving about well throughout the day. She is such a strong-willed person and was bound and determined to get rid of the iv and even wheelchair (for the most part) at all costs. Watching and admiring my wife's strength right now makes me take some comfort knowing that these two little girls of ours are fighters.

Grace had a great first day. She came off of the ventilator and even had a pacifier for a brief amount of time. Jeni and I got to hear her cry for the first time, which was pretty special. As for Hope, her day was pretty good, although the doctors have some concerns about PDA (an opening in a heart ductus that helps bring blood to the lungs that usually closes after babies are born, but often times stays open for preemies at this gestational age). That will need to be monitored closely. The good news is that this is not atypical of children of this gestational age, and while no heart and lung problems are ever good, it is nice to know that this situation seems controllable. With these challenges, Hope is still on her ventilator.

We were able to spend time with each girl today and already are seeing personality traits develop. Grace is more of the spitfire of the two. Small and fiesty, she removed her own CPAP (in "non-premie baby terms," the tube thing that they put in her nose) and also took off one of her monitors. While I am enjoying her free spiritedness now, I should remember to re-read this post when she's 14. Hope, on the other hand, is much more docile. I can see her being a very helpful person as she grows. She opens her eyes more and loves to gently grip by pinky finger. She likes it when I talk to her too it seems.

While exhausted (both physically and emotionally after the ups and downs with Hope today in conjunction with trying to spend time with 20+ visitors), my Thermarest mattress on the hospital pull-out chair never looked so good.

God bless Hope and Grace for gracing us with their presence for their first day and God give us hope that these babies will continue to grow and progress and make it to our home soon.

Day #13- The Unexpected Arrival of Hope & Grace

This morning Jeni was rushed into the operating room as a result of increased decels with Baby B. The heart rate was going down and not coming up fast. The doctor decided we needed an emergency c-section. I was called at work and driven to the hospital by my friend Pam. I then, within a half hour or less, was scrubbed in and held my wife's hand praying and telling her how much I loved her as Hope Laila (2 pounds 5.5 oz.) and Grace Anne (2 pounds even) were born. At a later time, I am sure I'll get into more details of this whole experience. Jeni got to hold the babies briefly and I held their tiny little hands in the NICU. Things haven't really hit me yet, aside from a feeling of shock and awe (for lack of better terms). They are so tiny, but are by far the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen. I just now pray that God watches over Hope and Grace and keeps them in His hands and protects them for the challenges that lie ahead of us in the NICU. If you are a spiritual person reading this, please pray for the Piper family right now- Will, Jeni, Hope, Grace and Maggie (our dog). We need the love and support now more than ever.


With love,
Will
1st birthday pics...

Gracie Anne Piper
born 4-11-08; 9:37 a.m.
2 pounds
14 inches









Hope Laila Piper
born 4-11-08; 9:37 a.m.
2 pounds 5.5 ounces
14.5 inches

Day #12 - Some Little Treats

Today was a day filled with little treats for me. First of all, I had a great night's sleep last night. When I finally awoke for the day at 8:30, the doctor "caught" me up and moving around without the monitors, very surprised to see me in this state. My wonderful nurse kept other hospital staff at bay during the early morning hours so I could catch a few extra winks. What an awesome feeling to wake up feeling refreshed instead of groggy. And yes, I know that when these babies get to this side mornings like this will be few and far between, but I might as well enjoy it while I can!

My second treat was a "luncheon" with the other girls in the antepartum unit. I'll use the term luncheon loosely as there were only three of us today, compared to seven last week. One girl who was there last week did stop by, looking rather un-pregnant. Jealousy abounded in the group as we listened to her birth story and how well her baby is doing. Not that I'm quite ready to deliver these babies, but still, I am anxious to be toward that end of the pregnancy.

Last, but most certainly not least, I got a massage today. Throughout the pregnancy I kept telling Will that my gift to my pregnant body was going to be getting fairly regular massages, a luxury I rarely partake in normally. Up until today, however, I have not managed to actually follow through on this promise to myself. I found out last week that the hospital offers prenatal massage and after about a week here, I decided that it was time. Today's massage could not have come at a better time as my neck seems to be constantly craned checking out Phillip (my fetal monitor) making sure the babes are doing well. So I got released from Phillip for 45 minutes, stuck my pregnant belly into the hole (did it ever feel good to lie on my tummy for a change!) and enjoyed a fabulous massage. My doctor gave me an order to get massages "as needed" and I have since decided that I shall need one 30 minute massage once per week.

Now I just need to find someone to give my poor tootsies a pedi. I think that might be asking a little too much of my very generous hubby...

Day #11- Maggie

On Monday this week I was able to bring Maggie our 3 1/2 black lab over to visit Jeni. While having Jeni in patient certainly has altered my life and Jeni's (obviously) it also has had an impact on our dog. Luckily for us, my parents live close by and have adopted Maggie as our "grand dog" so they are able to keep her during the day. My mother has actually grown extremely fond of Maggie.

We first got Maggie on a muggy late July Sunday about a year and a half ago. Jeni had been in graduate school at UW-Madison for two weeks and had been emailing me profiles of dogs from the Wisconsin Humane Society website virtually every day, so I knew that it was inevitable that our family was soon to grow. Jeni came back from Madison on Saturday and on Sunday it was off to the Humane Society to look at dogs. Maggie was the first one was looked at and the one that we instantly fell in love with. While at the time I found the dog somewhat overwhelming, I now look back and cannot begin to think of what our lives would be like without our Maggie.

While I have to say that I am quite fond of Maggie, she is truly Jeni's dog, and it was heartwarming to bring her to visit. I am very grateful to the hospital for allowing this to happen. I look forward to Mags making other visits to the hospital to see her Jeni soon.

Day #10 - To-Do Lists

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm terribly bored. After 10 days, I fully expected to say yes (ok, honestly after 2 days I expected to be climbing the walls), but the fact of the matter is that I'm fairly busy. Each day, I wake up and set an agenda for the day. I do schedule this around my regular routines, like meals, shower (which I'm happy to announce that, after begging the maintenance man, did get turned up today; now the choices are VERY hot and off, but I'm not going to complain here), and the all-important crossword puzzle. Then there are a variety of doctors, consultants, and other hospital staff that come by in the morning. By the time I talk with these people, have breakfast, and take a shower, it's already time for lunch.

Today, I had more on my to-do list than I could actually complete. It's kind of nice to have some real work to do as I'm completing third quarter grades and it really made the afternoon fly by. Since I didn't quite finish, it goes back on my to-do list for tomorrow, along with at least 6 other things. Then there are always a multitude of emails to write back, thank you notes, write the blog, and various other tasks. It's a great feeling to actually be productive in here.

I was so convinced that I'd be reading a book per day that I lugged a huge stack from school and home for my entertainment. So far, I've gotten through one 150-page 5th grade book and a couple of chapters of several other books. I haven't watched a single episode of Seasons 9 or 10 of the Simpsons, SNL, Planet Earth, or any of the movies that I brought. These were intended to get me through the first week! A friend brought by a Super Nintendo, which I'm confident will provide many hours of entertainment and it perfectly matches my attention span, which is equivalent to that of a 9-year-old.

I would like to mention that, regardless of how much time I have on my hands, my chronic procrastination has not completely subsided. After all, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, even if you have all day to complete it...?

Day #9 - Phillip

A friend of mine stopped by today and told me that I look like a cyborg with wires sticking out from underneath my clothes. I do feel like that sometimes, as I'm constantly plugged into my machine, except to take care of personal business when the cords have to come with me. Luckily, Phillip, which is the name that I have lovingly given my buddy here, is on wheels and has a fairly long cord, so I'm able to travel to almost every corner of the room while remaining strapped in. When people come to visit, Phillip is the source of entertainment for most everyone. I have to admit it's pretty addicting to watch those little numbers showing how fast our babies' hearts are beating.

However fascinating it might be, I personally think it's a little low-tech in certain regards. I mean really, we have to chase the babies around with these little paddles all day long. While I don't have personal experience, I'm not sure how much different this machine is from the one that my mother was strapped to as she was laboring with me. My idea is to wear a little video ultrasound so we can keep an eye on the babies all the time. Now that would be some real entertainment!

Day #8 - We Survived Week One

Well, we/I survived the first week in the hospital. People keep asking me how I'm feeling and how I'm holding up, and I won't lie, this isn't easy. I realize that I'm the one who actually has to sit here strapped to the machine, but I think it's really Will who is doing most of the surviving here. After all, he's the one who has to run back and forth from school to home to hospital to home, etc. I cannot imagine how difficult this is on him. All I have to do is sit here and think, listen to babies, play games, unsuccessfully attempt to solve crossword puzzles, and so on.

This isn't a walk in the park, mind you, and I have my moments of self-pity. Luckily these are usually short and revolve around the shower. My daily shower is a time that I both look forward to and dread. I get it all built up and think of how wonderful it will be to get off the monitors, scratch my tummy, and feel clean and normal for a little while without goo all over my abdomen. But then the sense of dread kicks in. It's that moment when you know what you've been so looking forward to will not be anything like what you wish: thus, I bring you the lukewarm shower. I know that this isn't something to really complain about, but it is a source of irritation every single day. I get so excited and crave the long, really hot shower that completely steams up the bathroom and I'm left with a quick in-and-out before I get so frustrated that I throw my shampoo.

So lukewarm shower aside, I think my husband is the real hero during this hospital stay. Not only does he cater to every whim of a pregnant woman (no easy task, as I'm sure every dad will assure you, especially when said pregnant woman is away from home), he is managing the house, taking care of the dog, doing schoolwork, traveling to and from the hospital, and keeping up with his plethora of daily phone calls. Even with all of that, Will still finds time and energy to cook dinner for the two of us each night, quickly pack it all up, and scoot over to the hospital while it's still warm. So, I'd say that he's the one who's really surviving the hospital stay.

Day #7 - 30 Minutes of Freedom

I don't think I ever really take nice weather for granted living here in Wisconsin, but especially not after a week of being inside my hospital room. Spring is probably my favorite season and I'm definitely missing it this year. It's a time when you're pretty sure that no more snow will be hitting (although this is Wisconsin, so it's really too early to tell) and the barren ground actually shows some signs of life. I think it's partly my favorite season because it signals the end of winter, which, to put it lightly, I do not care for.

The highlight of my day each day is the 30 minutes that I get to have off of the monitors. Each evening, Will and I take a walk so that I can get out of the room and get some exercise which this poor body desperately needs. Today was extra special because Will arrived in the early afternoon, which meant that I got my walk outside today. It amazes me because just last week, we still had several inches of snow on the ground, but today, it is warm and sunny and the grass is beginning to turn green instead of the lovely shade of "winter brown." I was so incredibly grateful for the clear skies and warm breeze that surrounded me and I remind myself not to forget this feeling.

Day #6- Opening Day!

Hmmm... with me writing the blog for the past two days, guess what's back- gratuitous baseball references :). For several months, a good buddy of mine and I have had tickets for Brewers Opening Day. I requested to take one of my personal days from work (something I rarely do) in order to go and enjoy the pageantry that is Opening Day at Miller Park. I was somewhat apprehensive of going after yesterday's developments concerning the weight of the babies, but Jeni actually called my buddy Steve and insisted that I go to the game. While I wanted to stick around with Jeni and talk with a doctor friend of ours who was coming to visit, I took her advice and went to the game.

In hindsight I am so glad that I did. Watching the Brewers for a few hours made me think back to a more worry free time and did take my mind off of the stress of everything, at least for a little while. The Brewers won handedly today, 13-4. The game itself was rather worry-free. The Crew jumped out to an early lead, and there was never really any real concern of the Brewers surrendering that lead to the Giants. The more we talk to doctors, including our doctor friend, we continually hear that we should not be overly concerned about the weights. Metaphorically, perhaps we have a sizable lead with these babies all ready. The thing I continue to cherish from this whole experience is how every day is a gift. Every day gets us one day better than the day before, and ultimately one day closer to bringing our babies home.

Day #5- You Can't Win 'Em All

After a joyful day yesterday, Jeni was excited about her ultrasound appointment this morning. I eagerly awaited her to skype me with the results at school. When she and I connected, I received news that the larger of our two babies had gained a significant amount of weight, while the other baby has begun to lag. One baby is 2 pounds 1 ounce, and the other is 1 point 11 ounces, about 20% less than his/her brother/sister. When I was first given this news, I just about lost it.

"Come on," I thought to myself, "Can't we catch a break here?"

After further reflection, a couple of phone calls, debriefing with some friends, and some reassuring news from our primary doctor, I have come to peace with the fact that this news, while not what we hoped for, is not a major league cause for alarm. Granted, it took me the better part of the day to wrap my head around this fact.

Just as the Brewers dropped their game this afternoon to the Cubs with a disappointing 6-3 loss, today's ultrasound news certainly was not what we were hoping for. However, just as I had delusions of grandure of the Brewers winning all of their games, when reality sinks in, you realize that a baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint, and likewise, making it through this pregnancy is also a long process, filled with ups and downs- little losses, little gains, with nothing taken for granted. It is unrealistic for me not to think that there will be little issues along the way. As the two doctors we talked to stated, the gestational development is most important right now, and, overall, it's not a time to ring the alarms quite yet. We have another ultra sound in two weeks and the situation will be monitored from there. I am praying for the little one to keep growing- she/he was sure kicking up a storm tonight. If nothing else, I take a lot of comfort knowing that he/she is scrappy. Who knows, sometimes the teams that are scrappy are the ones that end up winning the most games down the road.

photo taken by Jamie Engber on Flickr

Day #4 - Rejoicing

I am finally beginning to really "get it." I've known in my head all along that we've got two babies on the way, but I think it's actually starting to sink in now. Having twins is such an incredible blessing and I have no idea how we got to have this amazing opportunity. I know all kinds of people who hope and pray for twins. I would have never even thought to hope or pray for twins, especially identical twins. Neither of us ever considered that we might have the chance to parent twins before that first ultrasound. All of a sudden, today, I was completely blown away by this idea and I give great thanks for our twins-to-be. It's scary thinking about actually having these two at home but I cannot imagine a greater thrill either.

Since finding out that we were pregnant in November, this is the first time that I've felt like I'm actually able to rejoice in what is to come. For the entire first trimester I worried about miscarriage, then we had about 4 weeks of pure joy, imagining the future for these babies. At about 18 weeks, our diagnosis came, and the worry that accompanied it was no match for those first trimester jitters. In the last few weeks, as this inpatient time came closer, Will and I each let ourselves get more and more hopeful. But not until today was I really able to say with confidence that these babies are coming home. As I lay here all day listening to the beautiful sound of our babies' heartbeats I am filled with joy. A huge weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders and I'm no longer carrying the 700-pound gorilla of 50/50 odds of these babies making it. It's going to be a long road, but I'm finally letting myself rejoice without prefacing everything with "if everything goes okay." I'm ordering the nursery furniture tomorrow, complete with two cribs.

(Two cribs from flikr, taken by tigermatt)

Day #3 - Chase the Babies

(picture taken by nascity at Flickr.com)

Personally, I think sleep is a wonderful thing. I enjoy it very much: a cat nap on the couch, sleeping in on a Saturday morning, I don't mind even dosing off during a movie. Never have I been more grateful for sleep than I was last night. After a first night where all that came were a restless 2.5 hours of sleep, interrupted by constant clock watching and my wondering how it could possibly ONLY be 2:30 (or 3:00, 4:30, etc.) and being incredibly pleased to hear the alarm for Will to get up at 5:30. Last night, I gave in and took some sleep medication and managed to pull off a solid 6.5 hours of sleep. The babies must have been pleased with me, because they were kind enough to stay in their spots for the better part of the evening. I woke up feeling wonderfully refreshed and grateful for the gift of sleep.

The entire morning was a not-so-fun (for the nurses) game of chase the babies. For a good hour and a half, a team of nurses scooted around Jeni's belly, with the monitor full of goo, trying to get a couple of good heartbeats on the machine. Not once, but three times, did the nurses have to swap places after frustration took over. Finally, I was allowed up for a lukewarm shower after the nurses gave up trying to find the babies. Luckily, all afternoon, the little ones were much more cooperative and managed to stay put for about four hours, making Jeni and twins star patients. But now, we're back to our little game. I just wonder what these children will have in store for us on the other side...